One Week+ Later

Hi, this is Julia, Alex’s sister. Those who know me know that I never post anything – I call myself a Facebook lurker, someone who enjoys reading what others are doing, but never thinks that anything they’re doing or thinking is worthy of posting.

So this is very unusual for me, to say the least. But these past few weeks have been both heart-wrenching and heart-warming at the same time, and I feel a little obligated to share some thoughts with you (dear reader).

Alex wasn’t just my brother; he was someone I enjoyed as a friend, someone I would have chosen to spend time with even if he wasn’t related to me. And I’ve been stunned and amazed at the number of people he touched, and the outpouring of support my Mom and I have received.

I mean, Alex has almost 350 friends on Facebook. I’m not sure I even know that many people. That’s the heart-warming part, knowing that Alex had connected with so many.

The heart-wrenching part is, of course, missing him. I’m thankful that his passing was relatively fast, as it was so painful to watch him deteriorate. I am even more thankful that his last day was filled with so many visitors, and that he was able to enjoy the time with them all. It really was one of the best days of that last week. But it’s still hard to accept that he’s gone, that there will never be another goofy moment with him.

The memorial service was a week ago today, his passing a week and a half. Seems like such a short time, and yet also so long ago. My Mom & I went to put some flowers down at the bluff today – it was raining & the wind was driving pretty hard. We tucked the flowers into the cypress log by the grassy area. It was a reminder on how fortunate we were to have the stunning weather at the memorial. At this point, they've probably been scattered by the winds, but that's fine, as Mom had wanted to throw them into the ocean but we were thwarted by the weather.

Regarding the memorial, we have to thank so many people for pulling it all together. I know Mom & I would have been overwhelmed if you hadn’t taken over & just planned everything. I also know that I’ll be missing people who either did things in the background or I just plain forgot – forgive me. But I want to thank these people again, hopefully a little more eloquently than what I said at the memorial.

Thank you, Blase, Alan, Janet, Serena, and Gloria for scouting out locations and doing all of the planning for the service.

Thank you, Serena for pulling together the slide show, with loads of assistance from Alan, Blase, Amina, and everyone else who sorted through the boxes & gigabytes of photos.

Thank you, Amina & Sarah, and I’m sure lots of the other high school folks for putting together the posterboards and helping to sort through Alex’s stuff.

Thank you, Jeff & Tom for the music, both at the service & the great playlist at the house afterwards.

Thank you, Mike Ying, Holly, Amina, and whoever else from the college crowd for getting the flowers & pulling together more photos.

Thank you, Mary, for really just being there and happy to help with everything from hauling truckloads to the dump or Goodwill to cleaning.

Thanks to all of the speakers at the memorial, both the planned & the impromptu. Angel, Monica, Janet, Jeff & Tom, Mike, David, Dana, Serena, Blase, Ryan, Kevin, Amanda, Amina (hopefully I didn’t miss anyone).

And I just have to thank Blase tremendously again. I thought he was strange at first for coming over all the time – I mean, didn’t he have a life? Why was he coming over everyday at lunch and in the evenings? But, as I said at the memorial, he saw what was coming before we did, and knew how hard it was going to be. And he really helped us through it – and continues to be a great source of strength & solace. Plus he’s a good blogger :-).

Thanks everyone. I hope our paths continue to cross.

Julia

No more hugs...

When I woke up this morning I wanted nothing more in the world than to give Alex a hug. I remember watching Joe hug him before I did, where I gently held his fragile body.


I remember the earlier hugs he gave me in the hospital bed, and having to negotiate between IV and chemo lines.


I remember the numerous hugs I gave him when he came to my not-so-surprising surprise birthday party which was his first time out after his latest round of chemo.


I remember hugging him when he came out to take pictures at an outdoor climbing trip when he was too weak to climb.


I remember hugging his tall, lean frame after a climbing trip and thinking how I could shape him into becoming a great climber.


I remember all these hugs... and that makes the pain of not being able to hug him all the worse. Somehow I managed to get out of bed. I had told my boss I’d be back in today - so I should get up and go. The world didn't stop just because Alex passed. The sun still rose, people all over continued on their hustling and bustling ways and work still piled up. At least it was a rainy day… somehow that made me feel a little better... possibly just better reflected my mood.

I trudged through my work day on auto-pilot. No lunch visits to Alex. No rush to wrap things up so I could head over to see him for dinner. Just work... and a friend’s party.

Yah, a friend is celebrating her birthday today, but how can I celebrate when I just had a memorial for another friend? But life does move on and I need to enjoy the time I have with these friends … and can do so while still honoring Alex. After all - he was a climbing friend of this person too.

Though I did enjoy the party, I was still too emotionally and physically drained to stay too long, so instead I went over to Janet’s place for a little quiet time. That seemed a little more appropriate for tonight.

Wrap Up

My plan is to gather the rest of the speeches from Sunday (one more to go) and post details about the service. I’ll also post a link to Alex’s pictures, put up any letters/articles he has that should be shared, and then his blog will no longer be updated. It is his blog after all, and if I do continue a blog it should be on my own. Alex’s mom and possibly other individuals also want to post their experiences over the last few weeks to provide a complete picture of our time with Alex (and time without him).

Offline I’ll be going through all the stuff of Alex’s that I’ve acquired and will purge my own closets… as well as my filing cabinet of old papers… as well as any chotchkies that are over a year old (or so)… I just want to do what I can to learn from Alex – or, rather, do what he didn’t do – and NOT save everything!

At least that’s the plan.

But for now I'll just take it one day at a time…

And miss a hug that I’ll never have again.

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Written by: Blase B. Iuliano
Edited by: Janet Cheng

Hope you liked it buddy...

Please forgive me for the delay in writing – yesterday completely drained me physically and emotionally... today I'm just absolutely fatigued.

As Alex and I became friends, I fully expected to attend a ceremony for him when he was in his 30s - and I did.
I expected tears to be shed, stories to be told, and favorite songs to be played - and there were.

But the tears were tears of sorrow, not joy.
The stories were of fond memories but no wishes for an even better future.
The music was a painful remembrance of favorite songs that will never be lip synced by Alex again.



The day though was beautiful. In an area known for cloudy and windy weather, it turned out to be an amazing day. There was a thin overcast that kept the sun at a comfortable brightness. The temperature was in the upper 60s and there was none of the usual high coastal wind. The day was perfect for a gathering of friends and family.

Honestly - the day was a blur. I remember a friend coming over to pick me up... of trying to read my speech through tear blurred eyes, trying to speak with a throat closed tight with sorrow. When we arrived in Half Moon Bay I shifted back into execution mode and began taking charge and setting up the house.



At around 10am on Sunday people started gathering on the ocean bluff in Half Moon Bay under the lightly cloudy skies. After a little flurry of sound system tests and getting the family in to comfortable chairs, the ceremony began.



Alex's undergrad adviser, Angel, officiated the day's events. He started things off and explained the lack of a body. Even in his death, Alex continued to give, and gave his body to science in hopes that the knowledge gained by studying his body will help in preventing someone else from suffering as he had. After that the speakers came up and talked about how they knew Alex and what he taught them.



The speakers:

Monica - Being a cousin she could tell of his early years
Janet - A friend since the 9th grade
Jeff & Tom - High school friends who played and sang some of Alex's favorite songs
Mike - Alex's freshman college roommate, who he continued to be great friends with
David - Alex's graduate research adviser
Dana - A friend of Alex's from Cosmos
Serena - A friend since grad school, but more importantly, his recent girlfriend
And then me.

I'll post more detailed information about the service, including the speeches, at a later time.

As my turn approached, my stomach turned, my heart sank and the tears... which had taken a moments pause... began to flow again. I just couldn't believe that my buddy was gone. I JUST saw him... I was just talking with him. Last week this time we were just hanging out... but now he's gone. Anger and sorrow mixed with peace knowing he was no longer in pain as I walked up and took the mic.

Visibly shaking I stood up and tried to calm myself down enough to talk. I wanted them to know the Alex that I knew. I wanted them to be able to hear and understand my words, and try to find some hidden meaning amidst the sobbing that I felt coming. I took a breath. I looked up and I began to talk.



Despite having my speech written, and having had read it through multiple times now, I couldn't tell you what I said. I think it was close to what I had written... but for a time I was (thankfully) on autopilot and just spoke. The one time I did look down at my sheet, I started to tear up and had to pause before continuing. The next thing I can really recall was sitting back down, surrounded by fellow climbers and asking for a much needed group hug.



The remainder of the ceremony was others getting up to share their "Alex experience", followed by a social gather at my advisor’s house surrounded by remembrances of Alex - from his photo albums to a slideshow Serena put together of his life and quotes that people have sent in.



Several hours later the guests left, the remainder of the food was put away, and the house was cleaned. Alex's mom and sister sat in the house staring out at the ocean through large windows. It was as we started packing up Alex's memorabilia that his sister Julia could no longer hold back the tears - realizing the day was almost over, Alex's service was done, and she really did have to say goodbye to her little brother.

Alex's mom had slowly rocked herself into a peaceful sleep. There we let her stay for a couple hours before she aroused herself, realizing that this wasn't her house and that it was time to go. As she hugged me she quietly asked "Is he really gone?" The empty consolation that I gave to this mother that out lived her child, who instead of picking out a wedding dress had to pick out funeral attire, I held her tightly and said "No. He's a part of each and every one of us."


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Written by: Blase B. Iuliano
Edited by: Janet Cheng

Day Three - The Calm Before the (Tear) Storm

Today was a day of checking items off the list. We’ve done so much these last couple days – it’s odd to be able to take a breath and relax for a moment. There’s still the occasional moment of trying to hold back tears, but for the most part we just feel… exhausted. Numb about the event we are about to hold, and exhausted for all of the work we’ve been doing.

Whiteboard – check!



More picture boards…


He had an incredible amount of photos… full of smiles, good memories and interesting hair styles.

Now I need to try to finish up my speech for tomorrow. I know what I want to say… but I don’t know if I’ll be able to utter a single word. It’s still just so unreal.

This just sucks. My heart is still broken; my emotional well is just empty… I’m tired of working, I’m tired of crying… but I don’t want it to end. A part of me feels that tomorrow will make it “real”. That it’s a ceremony to signify a finishing point….

Alex will always be with me. He helped me to be a better person and I will always cherish the time we spent together, and regret not being able to make more.

I can’t wait for tomorrow to be over… but I don’t want it to come.

Hope you like it Alex.

-Blase

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Written by: Blase B. Iuliano
Edited by: Janet Cheng

Updated Memorial Service Information

The service will be held on an ocean bluff about ½ mile south (looking at the ocean – it’s to the left) of the parking lot. Please wear warm casual clothing and shoes suitable for dirt trails. Bring blankets or low chairs to sit on. Parking is limited, so please carpool.

Directions from the Parking Lot to the Service

• Park in the parking lot at 100 Popular St, Half Moon Bay, CA
• Go to the paved path and, looking at the ocean, take a left and head towards a line of trees
• Continue as the path bends to the left (away from the ocean) and then to the right, and you will cross over a wooden bridge in the line of trees
• The path is now a dirt path and is heading back to the ocean
• At this point you should see a group of people gathering at the ocean bluff

There should be people and signs to direct you to the correct location.

After the Service

Please join us at 217 Central Ave for light refreshments and to enjoy remembrances of Alex. There is limited street parking at the house, so please walk if possible (1/2 mile). Please remember to remove your shoes when you enter the house.

Suggested Charities

In lieu of flowers/gifts, please make a donation in honor of Alex to one of the charities below, or to any charity that reminds you of him. Also, please check if your company has a gift matching program.

Beat Sarcoma:

• Goal: Targets unfunded high priority and high impact sarcoma-specific research
• http://beatsarcoma.org/GiftforLifeWithoutSarcoma.html
• Donating from the JustGive link reduces the overhead cost
• Contact information for personal messages - alextung.memorial@gmail.com
  
• Tax ID: 26-0852086

Cosmos Education:

• Goal: Improving science education in developing countries
• http://www.cosmoseducation.org/people/ceus/alextung_obituary.shtml

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Written by: Blase B. Iuliano
Edited by: Janet Cheng

Day Two - Too Busy to Mourn

It’s incredible how much stuff needs to be done in order to take time to say goodbye…

Calling and checking out sites to pick a location. This included “breaking in” to one (done), someone to officiate the service (done), figuring out how to set up a donation site (almost done), figuring out what we need for the service (basically done), and getting all the needed equipment (done), ordering food (oops), shredding receipts – some so old that the ink had long since given up the account information it held (still going), remembering that we need to eat too, cleaning (still going…), getting flowers, pulling together quotes (still going), and responding to emails – thank you so much for all the words of encouragement; I cannot express how much it has helped throughout this terrible time – selecting music (kinda done), getting friends to help (done), picking up friends at the airport (many more to go), etc, etc, etc…

There is just so much to do… which… in a way has been therapeutic.

At least I feel like I’m helping him… even if he is already gone.

We’ve been laughing plenty over stupid things as our exhaustion sets in… or after finding random / interesting things… and, of course, the tears continue to flow as we read emails from friends, find something that reminds us of a special time with him, or just because we miss him.

The outpouring of love, amazing stories, comments of support and sadness has just been phenomenal. Speaking on behalf of all of us planning the service, we thank you from the depths of our heart. It’s been amazing to see how much impact one person can have. From messages that were sent by college & grad school friends here at Stanford, to letters of love from Africa – Alex, in his all too short of a life, still had a global impact.

So again, Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Now for some pics….

How we’ve been spending the last couple days….

No idea how they did it before computers.

Our whiteboard – trying to organize our thoughts.

Checking out a place… No fence can keep Janet out

Receipts so old the ink had completely worn away!

**Notice the handlebars…

Speaking of handlebars… they do work!

Ok… a brief note on the handlebars…

On Wednesday I had a goatee and a major presentation. My plan for the day was to go in to work, have lunch with Alex, go back to work and give the presentation, shave the goatee and show up on Alex’s door with handlebars. The reason: to make Alex smile.

Actually… for the last while… that has been my goal.

When Alex was diagnosed, I took a page from my mom’s book of how to help those you love… when you really can’t… and made it my goal to make Alex smile each time I visited him.

Often I’d come in with a story of stupidity (which may or may not have really happened)… sometimes I’d come in various costumes or pics of events… and of late – modifying my looks.

He didn’t care for the beard.

Really didn’t like the goatee. (“You missed a spot” he said.)

And I knew he wouldn’t like the handlebars… and not like them to a point of at least smiling. (I could see him just slowly shaking his head while saying “Geeeesh…”).

But then Wednesday came… and I never gave the presentation, never shaved, never got to show Alex the handlebars. I still decided to shave it down, feeling that somehow he’s now looking down on me … slowly shaking his head while saying “Geeeesh…”

Miss you buddy.

But don’t worry Buddy – I’ll shave it off for Sunday.

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Written by: Blase B. Iuliano
Edited by: Janet Cheng

Memorial Information for Alex Tung

A low-key memorial service will be held for Alex Tung in Half Moon Bay on Sunday March 28th at 11 am.

All are welcome to attend the event.

Parking

• Please park in the lot at 100 Poplar St, Half Moon Bay. There is also street parking.
• Parking is limited so please carpool
• After parking look for signs indicating where to go

Attire

• Casual attire. Dress how Alex knew you: jeans, sweatshirts, sneakers, and climbing shoes encouraged.
• Location is chilly and may require a slight hike

Service Information

• There will be time for individuals to say something if desired
• Bring blankets or low chairs if you'd like
• After the service, meet at 217 Central St, Half Moon Bay for light food and drink
• The house is a 15 minute walk away
• No shoes/sneakers in the house please

Donations
In lieu of flowers we will be asking for donations to a charity(ies) to be determined soon (we are looking for one focused on rhabdomyosarcoma research), Cosmos Education or you may donate to a charity of your choice in memory of Alex.

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Written by: Blase B. Iuliano
Edited by: Janet Cheng